Forgiveness
What
Forgiveness is the discipline of 1) prayerfully and humbly acknowledging wrongs, 2) honestly lamenting the impact of those wrongs, and, ultimately, 3) extending mercy to those with whom we are in conflict. In this way, forgiveness becomes a way to interrupt the cycle of vengeance but also to actively align our own hearts and actions with God’s mercy.
Why
In Matthew 6, when Jesus teaches his disciples to pray, he speaks of our wrongs as “debts” and those who wrong others as “debtors,” as in something that is owed to another that wasn’t given (Matthew 6:12, ESV). Our wrongs, or our sin against one another, withhold something that rightly belongs to a person made in the image of God. This makes sense to us intuitively because we recognize that wrongs are weighty; they cost something in our hearts, our lives, and our relationships. Confronting a wrong is, first and foremost, an act of love aimed at spiritual and relational restoration. The practice of forgiveness begins with prayerfully acknowledging the tangible wrongs we’ve either experienced or done.
Next, we recognize that something intangible has also occurred. There’s the tangible deed of stealing your identity and then there’s the impact of the theft on you at a deeper level. Essentially, that very tangible word or deed infringes upon our very intangible but also very real dignity and worth as image bearers by calling into question our sense of what we’re due – security and safety (physically, emotionally, sexually, or financially), or respect and honor, freedom and agency, care and belonging, or purpose and meaning, etc.
Moreover, the harm impacts the relationship itself; something breaks or shifts. Perhaps a shift in posture such that invitations to dinner, drinks/coffee, and playdates are hesitant and less frequent or conversations now remain at the surface. Essential to the practice of forgiveness, then, is honest lament for the impact of a harm on the individuals involved but also on the relationship itself: what the harm does to “you,” to “me,” and to “us.”
In Matthew 6 and Matthew 18, Jesus uses this language of forgiveness, which is something akin to “leaving,” “remitting,” “abandoning” the debts of others instead of exacting penalty or punishment from them. Essentially, the debts of others are set aside or relinquished. Tim Keller says that the essence of forgiveness is “turning away from the pursuit of vengeance.” Essentially, we confront the wrong and the impact of it but we do so for the sake of the good – for the wronged, the wrongdoer, and God – not for the sake of vengeance.
Truly embodying the mercy shown us through Christ, is not possible on our own but only through prayerful practices of mercy. Prayerful practices of mercy may look like prayer for those who have wronged us, Jesus says in Matthew 5, but also tangible acts of service, as Paul says in Romans 12, and connection but with boundaries that enable both individuals to become more like Christ through their reconciled relationship.
How
Invite | Turn Toward our Triune God
Prayerfully invite the Holy Spirit into your recollection of persons or relationships in which mercy and forgiveness are needed.
Acknowledge | Acknowledge the Harm
Humbly acknowledge thoughts, words, and deeds that caused harm to you or to the other person(s).
Lament | Lament the Impact
Lament the impact of those thoughts, words, and deeds on you, on the other person(s) involved, and on your relationship with them.
Pay particular attention to the way that those thoughts, words, and deeds miscommunicate (or outright lie) to you about your own dignity and due as one made in the image of God but also that of the other person(s) involved.
Is there internalization (e.g. “I deserved this because…”) or self-blame?
Is there entitlement (e.g. “They deserved this because…”), justification, or defensiveness?
How has this impacted your view of yourself, your view of the other person, but also your relationship?
Mercy | Setting Aside the Debt through Prayer + Service + Restoration
Invite God to bring to mind a person or relationship that needs mercy. Prayerfully consider the person as God sees them. What is the unique imprint of God’s image on them? What have you perhaps missed amidst conflict? How has the conflict or their misdeed also wounded them? How might you pray for them?
Prayerfully discern ways in which you might serve this person. What tangible deeds of love might you extend to this person. Think small but attentive. This could be sharing a gif/picture you know they would appreciate, getting them a cup of coffee, sending them a meal (virtually or in-person) when you know they have a full schedule, maybe complimenting them publicly.
Prayerfully discern what sort of relational connection is possible between you and this person both short-term and long-term. What conversations, even if only a quick 5-minute check-in, need to be had to acknowledge and lament the wrong? What sort of boundaries or relational guardrails would help you honor one another moving forward? What would make it possible for the two of you to rebuild?
Resources
Forgiveness: Why Should I and How Can I? by Tim Keller
Forgiving As We've Been Forgiven: Community Practices for Making Peace by L. Gregory Jones and Celestin Musekura